6. The Rutger Howitzer

The Movie: The Hitcher (1986)


So The Hitcher was one of those supposed horror movie classics. Being remade in 2007 in an era where the movie industry seems to have run completely out of ideas, I figured the original must be worth seeing.

From the get go I was pretty into it. Rutger Hauer shows up within the first five minutes and just begins twisting the place up.

I believe Rutger Hauers REAL back story involves him being some demon that was just to rough for the whole hell scene, or him being some escaped top secret weapon that wanted to be in pictures. Whichever of these seems more true to you..pick it and believe it because that's how Rutger Hauer acts. He doesn't really act...he just terrifies audiences into thinking it.

So anyhow, this movie is about some idiot kid who's doing a drive away for some rich dude. Basically a drive away is when you drive someones car to their lazy ass over a great distance. This lazy ass happens to live in San Diego...so that's where the main character is taking the car. Apparently from what we know from all road/action/ horror film you can't go anywhere out west without driving through Texas. Somehow the planets align and all the roads reroute themselves through the Lonestar state.

Also from these movies we've learned that Texas is a terrifying place full of Chainsaw massacres, wild vigilante cops and crazed hitch hikers. Crazed hitch hikers and vigilante cops just so happens to be the guys that out main characters have been stuck with.

So this crazy hitch hiker begins a game of cat and mouse with the main character. Rutger seamless sets up elaborate frames to make the murder of dozens of people looks like they were done by the kid.

That's the movie...like that's it. It's just that...over and over and over again. Nothing really seems to happen ever. The kid complains, the chick in it whines and Rutger mercs out cops like it's going out of style.

The point of the movie is this. Rutger Hauer knows where you are constantly. If you're reading this, he knows about. He's sitting outside your window. He followed you home from work or school just thinking about how he's going to F your life up. It doesn't matter if you drive, fly, teleport or astro project somewhere. He'll be over the the next dune staring down at you in a beat up pickup truck or mysteriously in your room without a sound.

My guess is he had a real bad "big brother" complex when he was a kid. Rutgers sister must've been some smoke show who picked up the worst dudes. When they would step out of line, Rutger would materialize out of seemingly thin air and twist their shit up real bad. Then he would just follow them around and terrorize them

So yeah...Rutger was great but the movie around him sucked. It was pointless and arduous aside from some really sweet shots. Shots, though great can't save a movie. I can make sweet dolly and crane shots all day but if my subject is a three day old turd, you're not going to watch it. Unless you have some weird fetish.

I give this lil nugget a 2 out of 5 Stars.

Rock and Roll.

Dave....OUT!